Therapy continued for a few months and I was happy everytime I went. Not just happy, but obsessivly joyful. I started doing my best girly voice and crossing my legs as soon as I sat down across from my new friend and therapist. I made sure to talk about my feelings and to try and fit in a bit of girl talk by complimenting her outfit or telling her "I just love your shoes." Her acceptance and encouragement gave me the courage to start buying CDs from female artists. I started privately watching the shows on TV that all the girls in school talked about. These small triumphs convinced me that I on was on my way to becoming female. But, when she began asking questions that I had avoided asking myself, even at my girliest of moments, my true awakening began.
I never considered my sexual orientation as anything other than straight. I had spent so much time and energy on girls it seemed unlikely that I was gay. I assumed if I liked boys I would have at least noticed one boy by now.
I was going on about looking at clothes online. I often (and still do) browsed online stores and put together outfits in my mind. I had mentioned it before, but this time I let it slip that I was on a site featuring crossdressers. Nothing pornographic as I was sure to make apparent to her. I mentioned the cuteness of a crossdresser I had come across. I meant it with innocence and was mainly thinking of the style of dress and how much I liked it. Quickly and without warning the question was asked and she asked it with a sense of certainty. "Did you find him attractive?" The wording of the question was what threw me the most. "Did I find 'him' attractive?" I thought. The picture was quickly clear in my head. The pretty, well dressed, femininity was attractive. I knew I liked that. I knew I liked girls.
I had been quiet for what must have been 20 seconds when she broke the silence "Do you fantasize about any girls at school?" "Sexually?" I asked. "Yes."
I knew the answer. If a girl was in my fantasies she was usually a friend. I had never thought about sex with a girl....but I never thought about it with a guy either.
The image of the pretty crossdresser was in the front of my thoughts again. It stayed there throught the session.
We ended without a final answer. The rest of the day was spent alone in my room. I couldn't shake the photo from my mind. I had touched myself to the photo before. That was a fact. I just didn't know if it was the idea of crossdressing, transgenderism or an attraction to the person.
Suddenly, as if just considering the notion of a sexual attraction to that crossdressed 20 something opened a door, I started fantasizing.
I thought about his lips. I thought of kissing, touching, giggling together and the thought of our shared desire to be female was a very arousing addition. The thought of his body and mine touching became the thought of our erections rubbing. This was what I wanted. What I needed.
At my next session I told my therapist the fantasy. I told her the denial and despair after I had oragsmed. I never used the word Gay or any other label and honestly I still didn't know if I was Gay, Straight or Bi-sexual.
I assume that we would have discussed it more and I might have eventually figured out what I truly wanted, but in an almost cruel act of God I had to stop seeing my therapist at the end of the year. Money and transportation became an issue.
I did love therapy and when it was gone I was crushed. 6 months after leaving I was offered by my folks to find and start up with another therapist, but I declined. I didn't think I could come out again or even open up like I had. In retrospect I regret not at least trying.
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