I will admit that I still go back to her songs and videos from time to time and the sense of nastalgia is something I hope never changes.
But, instead of focusing on my current opinions let's get back to the late 90's.
My new friend, Amanda had me at the peak of excitement, not that she had any idea. I'm assuming she thought I'd see the music video and have the average reaction most guys had. She was way off. In fact, my reaction suprised me more than it would have suprised anyone else. It was an epiphany of sorts.
I ran home and was greeted by even more luck. A note on the kitchen table which read: "We are going to be home after 5pm. Went shopping. Love- Mom." It was official, something more was happening here. Whether the planets aligned or some gender dysphoria goddess was watching over me, everything was perfectly set for me to watch the video in peace.
I dropped everything. My bookbag made a "thud" sound as it hit the kitchen floor. I didn't make a snack or even get a glass of water. I was immediately in the living room, on the edge of the couch, remote in my shaking hand. I turned MTV on and waited.
Watching for over an hour, ignoring the other videos and chit-chat between them I sat with patience. Finally, we get down to the number 1 video and sure enough they announce "The Number One Video This Week Is Britney Spears-Baby One More Time!" I tried not to blink.
I'll spare the details of the video, as I'm sure most have seen it. (School-girl outfit and dance numbers set to pop music as Britney sings the classic hit around a highschool.) Yes, it's pop, bubblegum, light inuendo and I LOVED IT! I couldn't get the chorus out of my head. Not to mention I wanted to be, act and dress like Britney Spears.
That night I went to bed and my eyes refused to close. My mind raced and my lips mouthed the words to my new favorite song. I made myself a promise to be a Britney super fan, even if just privately. I couldn't wait to talk to Amanda. To discuss the shoes, the outfits and the music.
Somewhere in the middle of my frantic thoughts and happy excitment, I drifted off to sleep.
The next day I was more than happy to head off to school. I arrived early and was waiting in my seat before the teacher even arrived. I scribbled The name Britney on notebook paper. I dotted the eye with a heart and found myself writing it in bubble letters, drawing pretty designs around it. I started signing it as if it were my name. I was obsessed.
The class arrived and I watched Amanda enter the room. She smiled at me as she took her seat and asked if I had watched TRL. I reserved my excitement and simply said "Yeah." She smiled again and turned in her seat to face me. "Oh my god, did you see that Britney's video was number one?" Her question filled my stomach with butterflies. I wanted to open up and let out my excitement and just discuss every detail. Of course, I couldn't so I just gave another "Yeah." followed by "It was pretty good." "I know you think she's hot, don't you?" I agreed, which wasn't a lie. She was hot, whether I wanted to date her or be her was irrelevant. "All boys are so gross." She said, and it was as if she wanted me to agree, to just admit to her that boys were gross and that girls were so much cooler. The butterflies were flapping their wing in my throat now. Each one was a word trying to escape and form my first female sentence. "I did think those shoes were cute. Too bad your mom wouldn't get them for you." It wasn't what I wanted to say, but it was about shoes and about a Girlly, pop, music video and it felt good to say. Amanda agreed and looking at her adorable high heeled mules said "I still want to get a pair, but I'm happy I got these." "Yeah, They are super cute." I replied and then just before we could start a true Girly conversation, the teacher started class.
Each subject lingered. I sat in my seat paying no attention at all to the lessons. I kept glancing at Amanda's shoes. I looked at her jeans and her t-shirt and thought about how cute the whole outfit was when I viewed it as a complete package. I couldn't wait for lunch.....the chance to talk.
When the lunch bell finally rang, I went to my backpack and pulled out my paper bag. I walked back to my desk, but Amanda's seat was left empty. She was sitting in the far corner with a group of the girls and giggling and chatting and I was devastated. I ate with a few boys and they talked and I pretended. When lunch ended, class began and the day went on as normal as every other day, as if I had never met Amanda.
The end of the day was a moment I wish never happened. I was walking out the front doors of the school building when Amanda approached me. She asked why I was so nice to her. She asked if I thought she was pretty.
I told her she was cool and pretty, but that I was dating another girl from another school. It was a lie and even for a child it was childish. She didn't cry, she just seemed hurt and confused. She must have thought I was absolutely going to say yes. All the signs pointed that way. I was a boy in her eyes. A boy willing to talk about her shoes and her interests. A boy she caught stealing glances at her during class.
To her we had never had "Girl Talk". Realizing that was devastating. Realizing that she had been hurt as well...... was a lot to take in. I hated myself.
The weekend was two days of fear. Monday would come and I'd be back in the seat next to Amanda. I thought about dating her, but I didn't see her that way. Not because she wasn't pretty enough. I'm not one to turn someone down for superficial reasons and I've always been that way. I couldn't explain it. It was only a two day friendship, but to me it was the most exciting and freeing time I had yet to experience. I wanted a best friend and I wanted her to see me as one of the girls. She wanted a boyfriend.
Monday came and the morning hours were awkward. By the time the lunch bell rang, Amanda started talking again. We got along for the remainder of the year. We never chatted about Girl stuff again, but we were kids and kids get over things like that.
The next year I changed schools. I never saw Amanda again, but I hope she doesn't still wonder why I turned her down. I hope she didn't develop some insecurity from our brief friendship. I wish I could tell her the truth. I wish I could tell her that those two days impacted my life so much and that without our interaction I might have never begun experiencing the girl's side of pop culture which I have grown to love. I might not have even been able to come as far as I have with accepting who I am. Thanks and much love to her.
I hope you finally got those shoes. I'm still looking for a pair of my own.
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