Yes, I admit it. I promised to be honest and I can't go back on that. I could lie and say that all I wanted was to be a girl. Even if that meant being a nerdy, un-cool, unoticed goth girl. But, once I hit highschool I noticed that not only did I want to be a part of the popular click, I also found myself interested in the hobbies, fashion, topics, and the complete world that these girls seemed to live in.
I often went to sporting events in highschool. Most people I was friendly with knew that I wasn't a big sports fan. I'd get asked about my reasons for attending from time to time and I usually answered with one of two excuses I kept in my back pocket. The first being boredom. At fourteen years old, there isn't much else to do besides the occassional school sponsored activity. The second excuse: Support the home team. I knew one or two athletes and supporting them was actually something I did out of true friendship.
But, Despite the truth that I did enjoy rooting for my buddies, I only attended so many games/matches because of the cheerleaders.
Yes, I know it seems to be the overly-feminine dream of every guy who dared to try on his mother's panties. But, to me it was something else. There was something attractive about the sport itself. And yes, cheering is a sport. It's athletic, team oriented and a lot harder than most people give it credit for.
I know you're reading this thinking "C'mon....You liked the outfit. Don't lie." And to that I say "OF COURSE I LIKED THE OUTFIT" I am after all a fashion and clothing obsessed type of person. I will say that the sport of Cheering was the majority of my desire to be a cheerleader, but the skirt and cute white sneakers were also an attraction.
Sadly (depressingly), I never took up the sport. There were 3 or 4 guys who cheered at my highschool, but they were muscular and just physically opposite of what I wanted to look like. If I was going to cheer I wanted to be the girl above. She's pretty, probably the top of the pyramid and once again I have to mention the cute outfit.
Being a cheerleader wasn't the only thing I thought was cool about the popular girls. The list was seemingly endless.
I remember the cafeteria as being especially tough. In class I was only with girls my age. Girls who hadn't yet figured out their style or grown completely out of that awkward stage. But, when in the cafeteria I was in a mish-mash of girls from all grades. It was absoluely amazing to see what the senior girls were wearing and how they acted. These were young women. These were girls that were soon to head out into the world and begin their lives. The girls in my grade couldn't wait to be like the senior girls. I couldn't wait to be like the senior girls and when I observed these older and more mature role models I was in a trance. I studied them and how to be like them. But, at some point the trance would break and the truth would sink back in.....I would never be one of the senior girls.
The constant reminder that I wasn't a girl and wouldn't be one, at least not for a long time, made me sink deeper into depression. The front row seat to the development of girls and the living hell that was going on with my own changes and development was too much to bare. Obviously I look back and regret not throwing caution to the wind by starting to transition. Even more obviously I chose to stop showing up.
To Be Continued.
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